Earthquake
by Tikvah
Summary: Against the sensitive skin of his palm the vibrations seem like an earthquake. Monumental and destructive - a small chaos trapped in his bones. Gai and angst.


**-:- Earthquake -:-**

Sometimes his hands shake.

Gai watches the trembling fingers of his right hand as he closes it into a fist and tightens as hard as he can. Compared to the calm steady beats of his heart the shaking is erratic and against the sensitive skin of the palm of his hand the small vibrations seem like an earthquake. Monumental and destructive, a small chaos trapped in his bones.

Slowly he straightens his fingers again and for a second it seems as if the moment has passed, until he _feels_ it. The way it builds up, an invisible reverberation that starts in his shoulders, echoing down his arms until the resonance makes his hand shake once again.

Gai has never been one for using weapons or genjutsu - he knows how to, of course, but his hands and his body are the tools of his trade and he has shaped himself into lethal precision.

For a lifetime he has lived with these hands, bruising and breaking them until the skin on his knuckles is permanently damaged by scars and the bones laced with infinitesimal fractures. He knows their limits, what they can and can't do. He has broken himself down into tiny little pieces only to put himself together again - a little bit stronger every time - more times than he cares to remember.

Gai is the expert of his art, the master of his own body in the way Konoha has never seen a ninja be before. But these treacherous shakes of his hands are part of something he cannot control. In these moments his hands does not belong to him.

Gai would never admit it out loud but in retrospect he could almost admit to liking the war. He had his childhood in those chaotic times and he remembered the way his academy teacher preached about fighting to save all that they loved, about fighting for their home, fighting to protect family and friends. Gai believed in doing what was right and during the years of war with his team he could feel that the horrors of war was outweighed by the knowledge that what he was doing was something important, that it mattered.

But the war was over now and although he was still fighting, still going on missions the reasons for him doing so had changed. He looks up from the report he's supposed to write as one dark clad figure with the ever so easily recognizable porcelain face briefly touched down on the roof outside his window before taking off again.

Deep down he envied the ANBU, despite the dirtiness of their work all it really takes is some jounin level skill and the ability to blindly follow the Hokage's orders. That and a will to do _whatever_ necessary to protect Konoha. Their missions may be hard but ANBU always have their teams with them for support. And of course they had the mask, a different persona to hide the guilt behind.

He envied this; because it's not Tiger or Cat or whatever that assassinates the wealthy merchant from Rice country. It's Gai and he remembers very clearly the way the merchant's children held on to their father tightly in their sleep as he slipped the needle of poison into the man's neck. He remember thinking he should probably move them to spare them the trauma morning would bring or at least make sure there were someone taking care of them now that he had stolen their father away. But it wasn't in the mission description, wasn't what he was paid to do.

Instead he left quietly the same way he had arrived, but with one more successful mission to his name. Not Tiger or Cat or whatever but Gai. His name, his identity, his memory.

Gai still believes in doing the right thing but morals and noble thoughts have no place in a jounin's mind and there is no one with him to share the guilt they cause. All jounin work alone.

And they are truly alone, there are no ideals to follow, no justified desire to protect their home to ease their conscience –there's just the cold power of money guiding them.

It's no wonder really that they turn out so strange.

But still he stays and he trains to grow stronger, everyday a bit more so than the day before. And he's hoping, waiting, wishing that maybe one day will be _the_ day, the day when it will be enough. That one day when he will finally be _strong_ enough.

And maybe then his hands will stop shaking.

* * *

><p><span>Author's Notes:<span> Wow, Gai and angst, seem pretty much like antonyms right? This ficlet was the result of a late night Skype session between me and my best friend about why all the jounin ended up so crazy when the ANBU seems to do so much more fu*ed up missions.

Random inspiration = love

Oh, btw does anyone know if his name is supposed to be Guy or Gai in English? I used Gai in this since it felt more "name like" but would really like to know if there is one "official" spelling out there :)


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